Giving God control

Letting go is hard sometimes...

As a first-world missionary to college students, I believed my life was within my control. I had a planner to schedule meeting times and Bible studies and lunch dates with the girls I mentored. So, too, was my prayer life scheduled. Every morning, I would spend my holy hour in Eucharistic adoration, meditating in nearly complete silence. I taught myself to believe that this was the best way, the only way to pray.

Then I became a third-world missionary, preaching and living the Gospel in a little island town, and lost all sense of control over my own life. There is no planner or even a desk to put a planner on. There are no meeting times; only “Filipino time” exists here. Instead of restaurant lunch dates, I prepare vegetables and rice to share with any visitors who may come to our door.

And what of my prayer regimen? This morning I walked to church an hour before Mass, anticipating a rare, quiet chance to pray. I wasn’t there for very long when I was joined in the pew by Gigi, a daily visitor to our cottage. We have a funny friendship, Gigi and I. At first, not knowing any Visayan, I wasn’t really able to communicate with her. Now I have learned much more, and yet still our conversations are very basic and broken because she is mentally handicapped. Every day she comes to our house to ask for rice and money, and every day we gladly give her the rice and remind her, just as before, that we have no money to give.

Today, when I spotted Gigi coming towards me in church, my shoulders immediately tensed. No, Jesus, I wanted to spend this time with You! Whyyyy? my face crumpled. But when everyone around you is watching your every move, you must quickly recover.

I greeted her and showed her that I had no money, only a Bible in my bag. We sat together for a time, and I knew it was Jesus. Once again, He was teaching me that it is more blessed to give than to receive. Better to give of my time, to give of myself, to give of my smiles and love especially when my introverted personality just wants to be alone. Because Jesus is found in the needs of others just as He is found in the silence of my heart. Because in this moment He is asking me for just one more offering of love.

I watched a video on St. John of the Cross today. I find it so beautiful that God calls men and women to the contemplative life, and sometimes I wish I were called to it as well - who wouldn’t be drawn to the mysticism of the saints who find such deep union with God in prayer? But Jesus has chosen me instead to be His missionary, and He knows me best.

“He that seeks not the cross of Christ seeks not the glory of Christ.” Please pray for me, that I will seek the cross of Christ with gladness, and that I will not hesitate to give up my desire for control and give it all to God!